Tuesday, July 29, 2008

feeling restless...

A lot has changed since I last wrote. My company went through a layoff and reorganization that caused many of the people I worked with for years to suddenly disappear, a disorienting experience to say the least. To distract myself I accelerated my studies and completed my MBA a year and a half ahead of schedule. I'm proud of that now, but it was a grind while I was in the thick of it. On a personal note, My relationship with Leon has ended, I now have two cats and a new relationship that I'm really enjoying (while also getting to know two more cats).

In some ways not a lot has changed. I still find myself working at a job I am good at but do not love, struggling to find opportunities that make me feel excited and inspired again. Even with my MBA, I'm still not sure how to find something that would be more satisfying. So many people have told me they are surprised that I can't find more open doors around me, but I am having a hard time even finding a window.

I've kept a personal journal off and on for over ten years now, and I know that when I maintain it regularly it accomplishes two things. First, it helps me keep myself accountable for things in life. It's hard to keep repeating mistakes when you see them captured in writing. I've found that some of the most productive times in my life are directly tied to my keeping a journal. I can also see that when I stop writing regularly, I struggle and turn inward. Usually that happens because I'm scared of facing reality for some reason (and there have been several, that's for sure!). The second thing keeping a journal helps me with is to, well, just feel better about myself. Allowing myself time to explore my thoughts and emotions can feel a little like a luxury, and I always come away from the experience realizing things that I never would have if I hadn't given myself the time to just focus on the page. That said, when things are not going as well, it is easy to feel that perhaps I don't deserve the luxury time anymore. I know it's silly, but I've felt that way in the past just the same and am certain I will again in the future.

I started this blog a few years ago in an effort to change something in my life. Specifically, I have always enjoyed writing and wanted to make more time for it in my life. I thought that keeping this blog would be a way to write more regularly, with the exciting possibility that I could explore ideas and concepts with others. But with that excitement came nerves. I remember feeling uncertain when I first started, wondering if anyone really cared about what I was writing. The supportive comments I received at the time helped me continue to try. I quickly realized that keeping the blog wouldn't be quite the same as a personal journal. There were many things I would start to write about that just didn't feel right to include. Most of these things are either very stream-of-consciousness or personal, either of which I was uncertain about showing to the world in full. My struggle with this issue, along with other distractions life served up along the way, caused me to back away from the blog for a while.

But the urge to write in this blog never went away. I've always wanted to write for others, and I hope the public nature of a blog will help me learn about how well I'm doing and how I can improve. And so, in the words of The Fabulous Limeliters, humbly, I leap into the breach...