the waning days of 2004

So I find myself at the end of another year, and life being different in many ways and not in others. I am living in a new apartment and I've completed my first triathlon, so I can say that I've satisfied some of this year's new year resolutions. But I still find myself struggling with the same things that I had hoped would be a little different by now - my job, my family, my love life. So basically, I'm still at the same job, my family woes are no different, and I'm still single, despite my best efforts.

Although...that isn't really fair. While those three things may not be in a place where I want them, I think that in the past year I've developed a better sense of the kind of career that I want, and finally have a support system around me to help me find and achieve it. I've also figured out how to be not only honest and direct with my feelings, but realistic as well. The people in my life who are important to me will always have their flaws, as I have mine. I think perhaps I have gotten better at accepting those flaws for what they are, and not allowing their flaws to detract from my own feelings of self-esteem.

As far as my love life is concerned, I think that it is one of those things that really irks me because love isn't necessarily something that you can make happen out of nowhere. (Witness the experience of the emotionally brave Blaire Allison who tried to do just that.) I don't think that you improve your chances of falling in love by dating more - you just improve your chances of meeting more people and either having fun or sharing more awkward moments. Maybe you learn more about yourself and what you want, but I think that there are people who can date their whole lives and never find love. I also think that there are others who want to be in love so badly that they will compromise in order to have a relationship that looks and smells like love, but isn't.

Perhaps it isn't so much about trying to fall in love as much as it is about letting yourself have faith in someone. That's a lesson that I am re-learning, I think. I know that I haven't allowed myself to have faith in someone for a long time, especially someone that I feel strongly about. I have become more cautious in my older age. Someone whom I care about deeply once told me that love is kind of like financial investments, that past performance is not always a good indicator of future behavior. But, like any investment, you only see a big payoff if you take a risk and put yourself on the line.

Next year, while I have many other small things I'd like to work on, like taking more yoga classes, getting more sleep and running in more races, I think the biggest resolution that I will make is to push my fears away and invest in someone that I care about. "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," says Alfred Lord Tennyson. I'd say for me it's more that making personal investments makes life worth living. And, to quote the lesser-known poet Lee Adams, "I've got a lot of living to do."