Me 1, Master Cylinder 0

In the world of nut butters, none kicks more ass than almond. Leon and I had a peanut vs. almond butter taste-off on Sunday, and the winner was clearly almond. Unfortunately, we managed to finish off the almond butter then, so today I had to make do with the peanut butter.

I wrote this originally this morning as I ate my "whew, that was close!" breakfast after discovering that the problem with my car's clutch pedal is not related to the master or even the slave cylinder, as I had feared. Oh, the things that run through one's mind after learning they aren't looking at several hundred of dollars worth of auto repairs.

Mmm...almond butter.

resolution for the new year

"Choosing is existence: to the extent that you don't choose, you don't exist."

- John Barth

I consider that my lesson for today, and an idea that will color the rest of my year, I'm certain.

snow day!

Yesterday I woke up at 6AM, anticipating a snow storm had already started. I jumped out of bed and ran to the window, the way I have since I was a child, but saw no snow. Sadly, I then started going through all of the small routines I go through to start my day - made a cup of tea for myself, checked the news on the New York Times website, started breakfast. As I was stirring ginger clusters into my yogurt, I was surpised to hear a little chrip come from my cell phone, indicating that I had a new text message. I looked down and saw a message from my friend Marcia, asking me if I was going to work or not, since she heard there was a lot of snow near work. I then looked out my window again and was surprised to see lots of snow, with some accumulation already. "Damn!" I said, more shocked than angry, realizing that the show had fallen only within about an hour or so since I'd last looked out.

Considering I have a 30 mile drive to make in order to get to work these days, I made the decision, or the "executive decision" as people on The Apprentice would call it, to stay home and work from there. Marcia stayed home as well, although we later learned we were among the few. Apparently several people went through the trouble of getting out there, only to be sent home early, so I think we made the better decision.

I was able to get some work done, although that was offset slightly by the excitement of the snow day itself. I love the way a snow day can come along and disrupt your normal routine. All plans are off, and as a kid I think that's what I loved the most about it. We had nothing else to do but play in the snow, then go inside and eat all of those great cold weather foods like grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup and (the ultimate!!) hot chocolate with marshmallows. Of course, as we got older, there was more work involved that made things a little less fun, like shovelling and clearing snow, but overall you still ended up with a break from your everyday activities, a mini-vacation of sorts.

Since I live in the city, I don't have quite as much shovelling to do these days. So between work assignments I found myself instead doing other things I don't normally give myself enough time for, like catching up on personal emails, cleaning off my kitchen table and making use of it to organize holiday presents, going through clothes and getting rid of old ones, finding time to read one of the many books I've started of late but haven't finished. I ended up being more productive than I usually am on any given day these days, and I felt happier and calmer at the end of my day than I've felt in ages. (Of course part of that was from relief associated with completion of the final project for my Managerial Finance course, but I digress.)

So as a result of this, I've decided that from time to time I need to try to take figurative snow days. Just take a day off for no particular reason and use the time in whatever direction the day steers. I think we all need random breaks from our current realities, as if we are pinching ourselves to make sure we are still awake.

Now if there was only a way that I could figure out to get this style of living into my everyday life. *Sigh* Well, I suppose I'll consider that still a work in progress. But that's good in a way, because if I had life all figured out by now, where would the fun be going forward?

the web once again brings me somewhere I never expected to be

I just found this quote, thanks to Google's personalized start page (apologies to my Microsoft friends - I just love Google!):

The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
- J. Jacques

So then I was wondering, who exactly is this J. Jacques fellow? After using the aforementioned Google, I learned that he is a comic artist. The quote came from one of his strips, Questionable Content. Which, after a brief review, I would highly recommend checking out. I love the graphics, and it has some great dialogue in it, full of little witty asides such as the one above. Although I have yet to come across that exact quote, I have been entertained by others. Such as:

"I realize this is like interrupting an intricate waltz with a sledgehammer to the knee."

"Really? Well there goes my excuse for dancing topless on the coffee table and making out with some random girl then."

And, my personal favorite:

"I'm snottier than a 13-year old girl and more dehydrated than Joan River's hoo-haa."

the brother p-touch line of products

They're the best. I think I love them so much I'll just label everything today at work.

post espy-award spoiler and other observations

I'm in the process of relocating my office from a fairly convenient 8 miles away to an extremely pain-in-the-ass 32 miles away. This week I'll be visiting our facility in NJ, and when I get back up here next week - pouf! - I'll be in a new office. And honestly, in case you haven't figured this out, I'm really not excited about it. Dealing with this has become a flashing neon sign that tells me to make a change in my life, and make it soon. In case any of the struggles I'm going through that I outlined in my previous post weren't enough of a hint.

Other than that, I've had a fairly action-packed past couple of weeks. I went to see Bronson Arroyo at his record album debut party. It was fun, although I certainly wasn't impressed enough with Bronson's talents to purchase his album. The event was being taped for the ESPY awards, which were also being taped the same night as the concert. (What - you thought that was broadcast live?) Since we were in Boston, we became the screaming throng of people that they would cut to whenever a Boston team (i.e. the Red Sox) won an award. As you might imagine, this was an especially fun experience for a Yankee fan, although I can't imagine it was much more fun for Bernie Williams, who was also in attendance. (No, he did not get up on stage and play.) The other thing about the event that was really strange was that for some reason every time ESPN cut to us, they would post that we were at Game On Cafe, when we were actually at Avalon. I'm sure that there was some sponsorship reason why that was, but it was still a little strange.

Finally, I think that I have figured out my way in the relationship arena. My boyfriend just spent the last week and a half up here visting me, and I'll be spending time with him this coming week and weekend. I think what I've figured out over that time is that we just need to keep doing what feels good for both of us, and the other pieces will fall into place after that. That doesn't mean that we don't need to talk about where the other pieces need to fall, but the journey of discussion has so far been really interesting and engaging, and I'm learning a lot about someone I love. So...while I'm not quite sure where the journey will take me, it's been a good time so far and I'm looking forward to more.

becoming rational about my fears

Have you ever wondered to what extent you can overcome any fears you have in your life? I have always been a fearful person, and I've recently figured out that in many ways I'm probably a lot more fearful than most. When I think about the things I've accomplished in my life, I've always connected overcoming fear to them, no matter what. Learning to drive? Had to overcome some fears. Earning a black belt? Dealt with other fears. Reassembling my life after my then-boyfriend realized that he was gay? Major fears were conquered there. Stayed in Mexico by myself for two weeks with a family that didn't speak much English? Yup, you got it...more fears resolved.

So is there a limit to what you can overcome? Or do new fears crop up later in life that are just harder to deal with? Or both? I find myself thinking about this as I consider how to pursue a career change and as I enter into a romantic relationship that is more serious. For both there are recurring fears that I keep running into, and right now I'm having trouble being able to tell whether or not those fears are good things or whether they are just blocking and limiting me. It kind of feels like I'm in a room, but I can't tell where the ceiling and floor are, everything is just spinning around me. I'm discombobulated.

And in this state I'd appreciate any good suggestions for reorienting myself that anyone out there might have.

oh elliptical trainer, how i hate thee...

I will never understand what people see in elliptical trainers. I've heard many people tell me about feeling so good after riding one, how they have such low impact, etc. However, when I use them my feet are numb after the first mile. What gives? I've asked trainers about this, and no one has given me a good explanation as to why this happens to me and not to others. The only relief I can get from the numbness, besides stopping, is if I change direction and start running backwards on the damn thing. So I end up having to alternate going forwards and backwards every mile or so until my feet just can't take it anymore (usually about 5 miles) and I have to get off. Which always sucks because I never feel like I got a good workout in. I usually feel like I have a lot left in me at that point.

If only I hadn't signed up for this ultra-athlete challenge at work, I wouldn't even be on the thing. But I did, and I have this requirement of completing 17 miles on an elliptical trainer within the month. I have four days left and 11 miles to go. I've completed almost everything else that I need to complete except elliptical, using the logical progression of saving the worst for last. Good plan there, Erin.

If being involved with these athlete challenges requires using the elliptical, I think next time I'll pass on being formally involved. I am not looking forward to those last 11 miles.

In desparate need of Bob Mould

You know, the world can be so exhausting and disappointing sometimes. As I woke on July 7, happy to be finally freed from my final paper for my summer class, I heard about London and the bombings and...ugh. I've read the disapppointment and sadness that so many others have expressed in their blogs, and while I identified with it, I also found myself feeling numb and without too much to say. The news coverage I heard throughout the day was at times was a bit disturbing, but not just because of the atrocious nature of the crimes themselves, but because of the extreme short term memory when it came to discussing London's history with terrorism. I actually heard one person say that these were the first attacks on London since World War II. Excuse me? Have we forgotten in our eagerness to connect Al Quaeda with all things evil that there were Irish terrorists not ten years ago who were also performing similar acts? I'm all for giving those who committed these acts what they deserve, but let's at least wait until we know who those people are before coming to any conclusions.

In more personal and semi-tragic news, it appears that I have lost a couple of my newer guy friends, or guys that I thought were my friends. Both of them fell victim to my terrible habit of being very late with responses, which tends to happen during periods in which I am very busy. (The month of June falls into this category.) One of them, after I had not gotten back to him in two weeks, sent me an email demanding to know why I had not told him my true feelings, since it was so "obvious" that I didn't like him since he hadn't heard from me. The second one attacked last night, sending me text messages over one of those friend-connecting websites that I'm a member of (Friendster in this case). Because I had fallen asleep early and left my computer logged into the site, I didn't respond. He chose to interpret that as my being offended by him, wished me luck and signed off (in more ways than one).

Although I realize that not getting back to people quickly can annoy them, I've been on the receiving end of that from some of my friends and I don't usually jump to the conclusion that the problem is me. I mean, I may think it could be a reason, but I usually deal with things like that by either waiting to hear from the person or sending them a note simply asking what's up. So my quesiton is this: Why does it seem that so many guys seem to take this personally? Is there something about these guys in particular that would make them more likely to take offense than others? And why does it seem like I have this problem more with guy friends than girl friends?

Sigh. I found myself this morning, after receiving the instant messages, yearning for the lyrics of Bob Mould. He always had this way of looking at the world that would make me realize that things aren't so bad. I was happy to discover that he will be coming on tour in Boston this fall, so hopefully I will be able to finally see him live after trying and failing for so many years. But, that's another story for another post, another time.

But did he ever return, no he never returned...

So I flew back from Seattle on July 4 and had just gotten off of the T shuttle bus with my token-filled hand extended only to discover that the newly installed turnstiles (which are acutally more gates than turnstiles) no longer accepted tokens. I was shunted over to a machine on the side that, once I plunked my token into it, spit out what is called a "Charlie Card". (Ten points if you know why they are calling it a Charlie Card.) Apparently the MBTA has finally gotten around to eliminating what it admits is an outdated token system in favor of paper passes. I think in the long run the intention is to load these passes up with different amounts of money, but for now they only have one and two trip passes.

Anyway, while I'm excited to see the MBTA embracing the latest in 20th century technology, their method of implementation leaves me a little stymied. Why elect to implement this system only on the Airport T stop, as opposed to over an entire line at the same time? The confusion associated with the rerouting of pedestrian traffic to use these new machines was enough, but now that I own a Charlie Card I can't use it for anything else, as far as I know. So...I'm not sure I get what the implementation of this system on one stop accomplishes, especially at a stop where there are bound to be many out-of-towners. They will still have to get tokens - why not allow them to buy them there?

OK enough ranting. In better news, I have officially finished my summer coursework. I am home free! Until September, that is.

But really, I *like* school, really!

After Kieran's wedding, in full bridesmaid glory. 

oh theo, you shouldn't have!

The Boston Globe Magazine gave the title of "Bostonian of the Year" to Theo Epstein, the boy-wonder GM who created a Red Sox team that was finally able to break the 1918 no World Series title curse. I suppose that you could say he's somewhat a piece of forbidden fruit, especially since I am a Yankees fan. But I must say that Theo has definitely caught my eye. He has a nice combination of nerdy intelligence and good looks that I tend to fall for (for those of you unfamiliar with him, take a look here).

Among many other things, the Globe magazine article announcing the coronation revealed the following:

"His family says Theo's girlfriend is a critical presence in his life. Though he zealously guards his privacy around this relationship, he will say this much: She is a 26-year-old who worked in the biotech world and is now in graduate school for healthcare policy."

Now what I thought was really funny about this is that it is a pretty good description of me, professionally anyway. (I'm actually a proud 30 years old, but hey, close enough.) Who would expect that the person I was fantasizing about actually may have been fantasizing about someone like me?

The article goes on with this:

"He's also happy to point out that they began dating before he became GM, having met in the spring of 2002 at the Back Bay restaurant Vox Populi. She's only a casual fan of baseball, so he loves the fact that they can go weeks at a time without discussing the game."

Now I've never really been one to hang out at Vox, and I do play fantasy baseball. So...maybe I am Theo's fantasy, and he's just trying to keep me a secret. Yeah, that's it.

Way to keep me under wraps, Theo. :)

slow week at the office

I'm at work, drinking some tea and reliving moments of fantasy football glory with a colleague, when I decided that now would be as good a time as any to add another post. (Both he and I played the guy in our league with Priest Holmes during week 5, when Kansas City was on a bye week, and then again when he was injured. Sweet.)

Coming into work on a slow day is always good in some ways. You can do things that you never have time to do normally, like post to your blog. Although I'll probably be getting out of here a little early today. I still need to figure out what I'm doing for New Year's, but I'm not worried about it. I realized yesterday that what I really need right now is some time to rest. Basically, I'm tired, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's not that I want to just sit around and dwell on things, but it's more that I want to turn off for a while. Disconnect. Feel nothing.

Maybe I'll go to one of those places where they have those sensory deprivation tanks, so I can kick into the new year all embryonic like. Nah...I'm not sure that I could ever see myself paying good money for something like that. A massage, a pedicure maybe. But not to float in a tub. Anyway I feel like I'm moving in that direction now on my own. The last two weeks had been so stressful for me with work and my personal life that I was walking around with this persistent knot of anxiety in my stomach. I was sleeping and eating, but not really. I would have brief moments of escape (buying a rosemary tree and some frogs with a friend being one of them), but then it would return. The past few days have been easier for me though, and I think I just want to keep riding that train until I feel a bit more rested.

Although getting rest would be greatly assisted if the guy who lives above me would stop blasting Stevie Ray Vaughan every night. Ugh...it's gotten so bad, Crossfire was in one of my dreams last night.

it's the little things

Has anyone else noticed that some packaging innovator has changed the slot and tab closures on most cereal boxes to a tab/no tab configuration? So now, you don't have to worry about the slot tearing, which it did for me about 9 out of 10 times. I wonder how no one thought of it sooner? What a great idea!

God I love noticing small things like that. The things that are kind of silly in the big picture, but are cool in their own way when focused on, especially by engineering nerds like me. They are what make life worth living.

Does anyone want to share any small strokes of genius that they've noticed lately?

Please?

Pretty please? :)

Cut that meat! Cut that meat!

Oh lord...the cold I stayed home from work with has been loads of fun for me so far. (I consider it a bonus Christmas present from my mother, especially when I gave her the news that I was returning to Boston after staying with her for only four days this holiday.) So far today I've slept, worked out some details with my insurance company, slept some more, called into work to pick up my messages, slept again, wrote a really long post to my blog, slept some more, then finally got up about an hour ago for real (i.e. put on clothes). My day's been action-packed, as you can see.

The news of the continually increasing numbers of people who were killed as a result of the massive tidal waves has been very sobering. Especially in the face of me writing long posts about the state of my love life, the images of these people whom I don't know and their suffering have made me feel small in some ways. And lucky. I can take pleasure in the small things, like Peyton Manning's latest commercials for VISA, and not have to worry about where my next meal will come from, or how I will economically rebuild my life.

Yet everything is dependent on your own experiences. Just because I probably will never have to worry about having enough to take care of myself with doesn't mean that my life's emotional troubles shouldn't cause me pain. We deal with the pains associated with the life we do know, and I would argue that no matter how good any one of us may have it, there will always be things we will struggle with.

the waning days of 2004

So I find myself at the end of another year, and life being different in many ways and not in others. I am living in a new apartment and I've completed my first triathlon, so I can say that I've satisfied some of this year's new year resolutions. But I still find myself struggling with the same things that I had hoped would be a little different by now - my job, my family, my love life. So basically, I'm still at the same job, my family woes are no different, and I'm still single, despite my best efforts.

Although...that isn't really fair. While those three things may not be in a place where I want them, I think that in the past year I've developed a better sense of the kind of career that I want, and finally have a support system around me to help me find and achieve it. I've also figured out how to be not only honest and direct with my feelings, but realistic as well. The people in my life who are important to me will always have their flaws, as I have mine. I think perhaps I have gotten better at accepting those flaws for what they are, and not allowing their flaws to detract from my own feelings of self-esteem.

As far as my love life is concerned, I think that it is one of those things that really irks me because love isn't necessarily something that you can make happen out of nowhere. (Witness the experience of the emotionally brave Blaire Allison who tried to do just that.) I don't think that you improve your chances of falling in love by dating more - you just improve your chances of meeting more people and either having fun or sharing more awkward moments. Maybe you learn more about yourself and what you want, but I think that there are people who can date their whole lives and never find love. I also think that there are others who want to be in love so badly that they will compromise in order to have a relationship that looks and smells like love, but isn't.

Perhaps it isn't so much about trying to fall in love as much as it is about letting yourself have faith in someone. That's a lesson that I am re-learning, I think. I know that I haven't allowed myself to have faith in someone for a long time, especially someone that I feel strongly about. I have become more cautious in my older age. Someone whom I care about deeply once told me that love is kind of like financial investments, that past performance is not always a good indicator of future behavior. But, like any investment, you only see a big payoff if you take a risk and put yourself on the line.

Next year, while I have many other small things I'd like to work on, like taking more yoga classes, getting more sleep and running in more races, I think the biggest resolution that I will make is to push my fears away and invest in someone that I care about. "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," says Alfred Lord Tennyson. I'd say for me it's more that making personal investments makes life worth living. And, to quote the lesser-known poet Lee Adams, "I've got a lot of living to do."

going, moving, never stopping

The last couple of weeks have been so busy for me. I feel like I haven't been able to pause for a breath, nevermind relax. Work is busy and my personal life has been filled with either strife or stress. My sleeping has become almost dreamless of late.

Last week my family's dog died. This was harder for me than I had thought it would be. He was, in many ways, the last living tie to the later years of my childhood. The day he died, my family buried him in the backyard. As we stood around the grave, all crying, I looked at my two brothers and saw in them the children that they were when we first got him 15 years ago. We had changed, but in many ways we have not.

I am now 30 years old. I am no longer the child I was when I was carrying a tiny puppy home to my family for the first time. Time has moved on without pause, as it always does. Yet, I am not sad about this. I do not miss the person that I was, just the connection to it. And the warmth that a small dog can give you when leaning on your legs in bed.

I miss you Dusty.

the careful meting of time

Well, I started this blog with good intentions, and, similar to my own personal efforts to keep a journal, it fell by the wayside for a while. That's not to say that I haven't been busy...work has kicked up in a new direction, and taking two classes at the same time has taken its toll.

Yet, I can't help but feel a little disappointed at my ability to keep up with my blog. I think that part of the reason that it is hard for me is that I am still a little nervous about writing and sharing that writing with others. In some ways, writing, like any art, lays one bare for all to see. Criticism of my writing can feel like a direct criticism of me. I suppose it's the closest I could get to imagining what it might be like for someone to criticize my own child, although I realize that is quite a leap.

Well, I think that for now and in the new year I need to do a better job of pushing myself to write in this blog. Although it may not seem like much, I really feel a good sense of accomplishment when I complete an entry. Especially so if others compliment it! So...well, I suppose that now's as good a time as any, and doubly so when I have other things I should be doing.

Adam Vinatieri, super-shill

Well, as I noted in my first post, football season is underway. Which means one thing in New England - it's Adam Vinatieri commercial season! Since I've just caught the trendiest cold at work (everyone just has to get it!), I've been stuck at home, doing as little as possible. Which, in my case, means catching up on all of the craptacular tv that my antennae can pick up. For some reason, Adam Vinatieri easily has more commercial work than any other member of the Pats. He's been hawking Bernie and Phyl's furniture and Papa Gino's pizza for a while now (Grab a Free Kicker Meal - It's Good!), and now appears to have added Dunkin' Donuts to his list of advertising accounts.

I hate being sick. Mostly because it gets in the way of me getting things done. Not to mention the inconvenience of blowing my nose every two minutes and feeling tethered to my tissue box. Feh.

the importance of previewing your posts

Well, that's the last time I will ever publish something to my blog without previewing it first. The layout of my last post is not one of my better ones. Although I really like the thoughtful comment I received on it - thanks bb!

I find that I am obsessed once again by The Apprentice. It's a show that, as an aspiring corporate weasel* myself, really speaks to me. I think it is so popular because a lot of other aspiring corporate weasels like me can watch it and see people get fired for generally good reasons, reasons that at times you have secretly wished others around you could be fired for. And there's some satisfaction in that, the idea that the business world generally culls the stronger from the weaker candidates, and that those who win really deserve it.

That said, I think that I can safely say that the only woman left with any chance of winning is Pamela. The rest have shown themselves to be a bunch of gossipy ninnies who just kicked off the one woman on their team who had any business sense. (I'm really surprised that Trump fell for their act, but everyone has their blind spots.) Now that Stacie is out of the way, I predict many more visits to the boardroom for these ladies, along with much more irrelevant infighting, to ensue in the upcoming weeks.

Which is sad to me. I know and work with many talented women, who know how to get down to business and get things done. They can also do it without being dragged into personality battles, or being overly concerned with hurting someone's feelings. The women of the Apprentice seem to be more interested in making everyone involved feel good than getting their shit together and staying focused on the task at hand. And I don't think that they are a good representation of what women can bring to the business world. I think that's why Carolyn seems to find this bunch almost personally insulting. If it were up to her, I think she'd fire them all.

Maybe I should try out for the inevitable Apprentice 3 and go kick some aspiring corporate weasel ass. For the good name of women in business, of course.

* credit to Television Without Pity for the application of the phrase